I know I am not invincible.
I’ve broken bones. I’ve gotten sick. I know people who have died.
I realize I can’t live forever.
Yet, I was hoping I would.
Or, at least, that inevitable day, would remain far into the future.
But now, that day seems really close.
I’m not dying today,
But for the first time, I feel mortality in all my cells.
This “thing” has taken over.
It is now dictating my life.
It is controlling my thoughts, my actions.
I’m thankful to have it named, to at least know what it is.
But Lord, I want my life back.
The way it was before.
Without medications and appointments, treatments and waiting.
When I was more in control.
Lord, I need your help.
I need your help to get through this uncertainty,
I need your help to grieve what I have lost, and adjust to a new normal.
I need your help to be hopeful, to think of something else.
I need your help to be patient and rely on others.
Lord, I need your help in ways I don’t even know.
Be with me Lord. Don’t leave me alone.
Stay with me on this journey.
I can count on You.